GLOBAL WARMING

We’re in Nice on a day off. Ahead are two more shows, one in Stuttgart and one in Lörrach. My fellow geography bores will be interested to learn that Lörrach is just barely in Germany. It’s right on the Swiss border so I expect it to be strict but the hotel service should be good. The Swiss and the Germans have very different sense of humor. They both like ice shows however.

I may make some jokes about the Austrians. Speaking of Austria, one of my sons had a girlfriend whose stepfather is a Hapsburg – the heir to the throne in fact. The Newman family has never flown so high. Alas, the relationship is over and I have no hope of becoming a Von or Zu. (NbC – like the Von Trapp family) Cathy never gets too far away from The Sound of Music except in dealing with Gary Norris.

The show in Verruchio was in a small cemetery next to a castle. The audience was very kind and I had fun up there. We ate in a restaurant in a building from the 13th century. It looked pretty good. Apparently, they didn’t know they were in the Dark Ages. I know some Italian. I kept making sporadic attempts to communicate in the language. I would say, for instance, “io sono paura”, which means, “I am afraid”. I know I was saying it right. They would repeat it back to me exactly as I said it. This constantly recurring phenomenon made me paura. Neil Young can play to 80,000 people in Rome or Milan. I don’t think I can yet.

I played the Blue Note Jazz Festival in Ghent. I actually played some jazz by the way when I made a mistake in the instrumental break in “Simon Smith”. There was a lot of stuff going on in the street all the time. The town was having a street festival too. I was taking a walk the day after my show and I saw a guy scraping my picture off a pole. I said, “Hey you son of a bitch, what do you think you’re doing? The show may be over, but I think the people here in Belgium would still like to have my picture on their pole.” He just kept scraping and I walked away. If I’d had a weapon, like he did, I would have defended my honor even though I have a bad wrist and a torn left bicep.

The show in Ghent was in a tent

The rain that fell was Heaven sent

It was so hot I quite forgot to bring an extra shirt

Were’t not for Cathy who knows at what cost

All sense of decorum would’ve been lost

For I would have had to go on without a shirt

Which would’ve weakened the impact of some of the love songs.

Ghent, Newcastle and Lucerne were all sold out (NbC – He’s lying. Newcastle was almost sold out.) Here and there I’ve been doing this new song which I haven’t finished, “A Few Words In Defense Of My Country” or….”On behalf Of My Country”. See? It’s not finished. I probably shouldn’t be playing it. I’ve never played anything that wasn’t done before. It gets some big laughs but it’s not right yet. Lucerne is a beautiful town with a lake and a river in it. I’d like to live on a river someday. I lived by a creek once. It flooded and tore out our garage and almost got the whole house. The weather is changing. I think the earth is going to get hotter in the years to come. It’s hot in Europe and it’s hot at home. (Something is happening and you don’t know what it is…do you Mr. Jones? Or as I heard Bob do it the last time I saw him play, “xhdisodlnmufklhjduvkgjhdhekgsjcpojkdheydjkkfkgirifkhrhwgdyejeskufhg, Jones.” That’s the seventy-five dollar version.)

The audiences in Switzerland and Italy applaud when I play the intro to Dixie Flyer. It must have been used in a feminine hygiene commercial or something. I sure as hell didn’t sell any records in Italy. By the way, I finally found an audience, two of them actually, who like “Red Bandana”. (NbC – Sad to say, he’s wrong. He keeps playing it, I’ve told him not to. I don’t have the heart to tell him that only one person likes the song, the man in the mirror.)

Gateshead is across the River Tyne from Newcastle. Newcastle is Alan Price’s hometown and he wrote about it a lot. I owe him a great deal. He recorded some of my first songs and did them very well. He had a hit with “Simon Smith”. The first of three hits I’ve had. Anyway, he’s a great guy and it was good to see where he came from. I met someone who went to school with him. I’ve become a regular Chatty Cathy, haven’t I? I just go maundering on and on. (NbC – on and on and on and on and on…just like the song) I know that these entries would be more interesting if I talked more about the shows but I have more important things to tell you. For instance, this morning here in Nice I sent out some laundry and some dry cleaning. I have some concern for some of my show costumes. Sometimes they come back deep fried, like a chicken fried steak. Once, in Israel, which is very unlike Switzerland in the dry cleaning department, they over cooked six white shirts which were irretrievably damaged. That’s why I find it so difficult to know who to root for in this war they’re having. I’m not anti-Zionist but poor dry cleaning is often a symptom of a deeper malaise. To me it shows lack of national character. All the fire power in the world doesn’t make up for one burned up shirt. I’m pissed off. I saw Hazel, Alyce, Alistair and many other LCs including, Martin Figura who gave me a book of his poetry. I’ve read some of the poems and liked them very much. He’s talented. Someone we know may be using some of Martin’s ideas in another medium. As always, and as I always say, and I always mean, I love seeing the Little Criminals after a show. At all these European shows there are autograph collectors who stand outside for sound check and before the show and sometimes at the hotel. I don’t even know if they know who I am. At Gateshead, I signed autographs going in to the show, when I came out this little guy came up to me. Cathy said, “You already signed for him.” He said, “No! I wasn’t here before.” He was irate. Anyway, Cathy and I got in the car and went to the hotel that was about ¼ mile away. The guy beat the car there. I told him (he was Irish) that he’d just broken the Irish 200 meter record. I signed and invited him up to the room to spend the night. I love great athletes.

Last night we played the Nice Jazz Festival. I went on one stage at the same time Kanye West was on another. I like his stuff. It’s young and alive, just like me. It was also kind of annoying but the show went fine. In some ways, I think it was the best show I’ve done because it was late and I couldn’t quite figure out the crowd but I think they ended up liking the show and for the most part I made the right choices about what to play for them. Ballads were tough sometimes. Jesus walked right through a couple.

Let’s have a little fun before we go. Of these two artists which is your favorite: Kanye West, Joe Jackson or Randy Newman? Send your answers to The Newman Foundation in Tulsa, OK along with 5 Euros. Look for results here!

Love

Randy

24 July 2006

ROMAN HOLIDAY

(I THOUGHT OF THAT – CK. EXCEPT IT’S NO HOLIDAY AND I’M NOT WITH CARY GRANT…..FAR FROM IT)

Pronto da Italia. We’ve been here so long that I’m finding it difficult not to think in Italian! Bear with Us. (He spoke Italian on stage in Rome. At least that’s what he thought it was. After the show he asked the woman from the Italian record company how his Italian was, she said he should never speak Italian again and if he knew what was good for him, he wouldn’t – CK).

The shows in Dublin and Edinburgh went very well. The audiences were great. Apparently they speak English in both Dublin and Edinburgh. I don’t know whether it helped me or hurt me. I’m going to be funny in a minute. I feel it coming. (I don’t – CK) We saw Susan, Jim, Scott and the new Little Criminal who looks like Paul McCartney, but younger. Show business is easier than most real jobs but the road isn’t that easy. Ask Jim or Susan. I’ve been playing Laugh And Be Happy, I’ll keep doing it until I get it right. One need almost be a virtuoso to traverse the complexities of the piece. I’ve shown it to a number of concert pianists. (Pollini, Uchida) They refused to even attempt it. They wouldn’t even talk to me. That’s how hard it is.

Bad news, LCs. Kathy (I did that on purpose) and I are fighting. Why you might ask? Did I try and corner her in an elevator again? Did I inadvertently bump into her in an airport line? Not this time. She persuaded me to play Rider In The Rain in Frankfurt. Need I say more? Knowledgeable fans will understand. Two and a half minutes of unmitigated horror unequaled since Murnau’s “Nosferatu”. I’ll talk to her again when I need something. For instance, I can’t find any socks. I played Zurich, Frankfurt and Rome after Edinburgh. These shows were not sold out. In each town, it was the holiday about which I’ve spoken so often, whereon the peasants of the town go to the theatres dressed as empty seats. (In spades – CK) As you know, I am an Optimist, also an Elk and a Mason. I choose to see the glass as half full rather than half empty. The shows may not have been sold out but luckily I wasn’t trying my hardest anyway. The tickets were expensive too! That’s not my fault. I swear it isn’t.

We had a great tour of Rome by a driver named, Antony, who was Indian but born in Rome. He still admires Mussolini though he admits he did some bad things. How can a big country like Italy have one man own all the television networks, the most important soccer team and run the country? I don’t understand it. There’s a comedian in Italy named Dario Fo. I saw him on television years ago. You won’t see him on television now. He does a stage show in which he makes fun of Berlusconi. I think that’s a good thing.

Hey! Don’t you know I’m just kidding? Berlusconi is a good friend of mine and I object to nothing he’s done. I’ve benefited greatly just by being a close, personal friend of this Great Man. He and I palled around during fashion week in Rome. Got some great stuff. (He’s babbling. I’m going to try and get out of here without having to use my side kick – CK) I’m sorry I split so many infinitives and did other bad things to the language. Eoio sono stanco. Ciao bambini.

Randy

I’ve enjoyed writing these reports for you and as I’ve told you before it means a great deal to me to know you’re out there. When I write songs again, to a greater extent than you might ever believe, it will be for you. I’m glad so many of you seem to like each other and if I’ve been the agency by which some of you have been brought together, that makes me greater than I already am. If the public only knew. Neil Young doesn’t do stuff like that. I have nothing against epileptics but come on. Neil Young once drew 80,000 people in Italy and he doesn’t speak a word of Italian (I won’t say anything – CK) Love to all of you.

–29 February 2004

MARRY POPPINS

(I thought of that – CK)

Here we are in London. Did you know that England is an island? I knew they were somehow disconnected from the rest of Europe, but, an island? Just like Florida. Tonight everyone will understand everything I say. Uh oh. They speak English here. I’ve been getting away with murder out there.

The shows in Austria and Germany went well. I realize I haven’t told you enough about the nature of the shows, how it feels to be alone up there with just a piano and have thousands (hundreds – CK) of foreigners worship you. It’s a scrumptious (supercalifragilisticexpialadocious – CK) feeling and quite humbling (he doesn’t seem humble to me – CK) to think that One by his very presence can unite an entire nation as I did in Belgium is a wonderful thing. As Jackie Wilson once said, “There must be a cloud in my head. Rain keeps falling from my eyes.” The Irish Question, which I’ve been working on secretly for years – ooops – anyway, the Irish Question is too difficult to solve in one visit.

More importantly, a Little Criminal suggested that I play Rider In The Rain in Munich. It’s always a risk to play that song except in Belgium or Holland. It’s got four chords in it and if people don’t sing along it makes for a difficult minute and a half. Anyway, someone once said, I’m not saying whether or not I agree, that the Germans are the only people in the world who think a naked woman in a trash can is funny. The audience did fine with Rider In The Rain and I’m grateful to the Little Criminal who suggested it, and I’d like to thank the Academy.

They had the Brit Awards here the other night, their big music award show, there was a vicious attack on Justin Timberlake in one of the papers. When Justin and I were having breakfast this morning (he shouldn’t be telling you this – I do my best to hush these things up – last week was fashion week here – CK) I tried to console him about the bad publicity. I think he felt better before he left.

While I’m in London I’m looking for a new Bruno. The one I have at home is too busy Bruno-ing for other people. I hear they have some good Brunos here. My next Bruno will definitely not be a reggae Bruno but will either be a math or massage Bruno. (I’m getting a Bruno too – my Bruno will be a travel Bruno who can go on these trips instead of me – CK)

Your faithful correspondent,

Cathy

PS: My middle name is Stuart. A Royal connection?

–19 February 2004

THE SOUND OF MUSIC

(I thought of that – CK. That’s so my most favorite movie of all time. Edelweiss makes me cry every time. One time when I saw it, it didn’t make me cry. I don’t know why. Ooops….He’s back from the bar. More about me later.)

As I’ve said before, I love to see LCs whom I know after these shows. Also, I like to see anyone I don’t know because you never know. Know what I mean? Anyway, I like seeing Jim Moran, Suzanne, Susan, Jeroen Smeets (the Bass) and honorary LC Annelise so much that it puzzles me. I like people of all species but so did, for instance, Warren Harding. He loved the members of his cabinet and then they betrayed him. The man who would have been our greatest president was destroyed by his friends and admirers. That’s why I don’t let people get too close. I used to but I’ve been hurt too many times. I think now of Jim Moran and his smooth guitar playing ways and Susan looking like old money.

My father once had dinner with the family and my son Eric brought his girlfriend, Megan. He was meeting her for the first time. After dinner, when Eric left, of course we talked about her. I commented on what a nice girl she was. My dad said he hated her. I couldn’t believe it. I asked him why he felt that way he said that she looked exactly like the kids in this Irish family he knew who were the biggest Jew haters in Elmhurst, Long Island fifty years ago. I thought that was fair.

I did a different kind of show in Utrecht. I played Old Man, which I never do, and Davy The Fat Boy which I hadn’t done in a long time for fear of blowing my voice out and breaking glass and eardrums in the hall. I think Old Man is one of my best songs. I think I succeeded in that song in producing a piece of music that has no entertainment value. It’s the musical version of a stomach-ache. I’m retiring it from the stage until I’m playing for an audience I really hate. Look out Frankfurt!

I’m not happy with the literary quality of this up to now. I’ve been writing in character, the character of a bad writer.

We’re in Graz now. It’s really a beautiful town. It’s not in the mountains but my altimeter says that we’re at 1400 feet. After Holland and Belgium, it’s hard to breathe up here. I asked Cathy last night, over an expensive dinner. (She eats like she has two assholes – I don’t know how we stay so thin.)

I worry about how vulgar I am. Believe me. It would be easy to erase what I just wrote about Cathy but unfortunately, it’s true. I asked Cathy what her favorite albums of all time were but told her not to include any of mine. She didn’t. That’s what I mean about not letting people get too close. Though, wherever he is Tom Petty would be very happy. Wayne Newton too. No, her list was very impressive. Perhaps some day she’ll allow it to be published. Personally, I’m never going to talk to her about music again. She’s a big blond bully who loves AC/DC. Mea culpa. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.

Bye for now.

THEY SMILE IN YOUR FACE AND ALL THE TIME THEY’RE TRYING TO TAKE YOUR PLACE.

–15 February 2004

THE WORST RECORD

I just heard on Klassic Radio the worst record I’ve ever heard.

Here’s a hint: It’s Josh Groban’s rendition of Don McLean’s “Vincent”.

–11 February 2004